


Punching above your weight

by Million_Moments



Category: Death in Paradise
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2018-01-07 19:03:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Million_Moments/pseuds/Million_Moments
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Richard didn’t really have a wild child phase…but he did have a slightly less awkward phase and manages to impress certain members of the police force with his exploits from those times…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Punching above your weight

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by an interview where Ben Miller talks about having dated Rachel Weisz and the Castle episode “Till death do us part”. I decided to use a fake an actress I could make up some negative attributes! This was originally intended to be part of Unresolved, when but it reached 3000 words I felt it deserved to be posted as a standalone story.

“Isn’t that a bit of a chick flick?” Richard recognised the teasing tone to Camille’s voice, having been the recipient of it on many occasions. This question wasn’t directed at him but Dwayne, who was telling them all about the date he had planned for the next evening. Apparently they would be spending the evening in with a home cooked meal and a film he hadn’t caught the name of but imagined was something along the lines of Bridget Jones’s Notebook at the Lake House.

“Well I don’t plan on watching that much of the movie, if you know what I mean,” Dwayne replied with a grin. Sadly Richard _did_ know what he meant, and it was a mental image he could do without. Fidel rolled his eyes but Camille seemed amused. He chose to examine his tea closely to avoid having to comment.

“Besides,” Dwayne continued. “Even if we watch do watch it, the main actress is that Laura Dahlia and I would watch that woman in _anything_. If only she would film a movie here! I wouldn’t mind offering to be her tour guide.”

“She’s very high maintenance Dwayne, really not worth it.” The words were out of his mouth before he really thought about it, and were met by surprised looks from all three people at the table. They were clearly expecting him to elaborate, and he half-heartedly hoped if he remained quiet they would just move on.

“You know her or something, Chief?” Dwayne eventually asked. The trouble with police officers is, they never leave it alone - the instinct to get the bottom of a matter is just too strong.

“Yes.” His reply was deliberately succinct – he was still aiming to prevent as few questions as possible.

“School? University?” Fidel asked, tone so polite Richard felt he _had_ to answer really.

“We were at University together,” he supplied. He noticed a smile spreading slowly across Camille’s face and knew she had put it together. God, if she read him so easily did that mean that she knew…no, he made a very special effort to hide _that._

“Well you must have been quite close to make a comment like that, or was it just something you heard through the grapevine?” Camille new damn well it wasn’t and he gave her a look that indicated his displeasure at her probing. She stared insolently back. He knew he had two choices, admit it all now and get it over and done with or continue to try and hold out.

He decided on the former. “We dated for a while,” he aimed to make his tone casual, but found himself unable to look directly at anybody as he gave his answer.

There was a momentary silence, before Dwayne burst into laughter, “Oh, that’s a good one Chief!” he cried. “Dating Laura Dahlia!” Fidel was half smiling as well, as if he accepted the possibility it could be a joke but wasn’t entirely sure it was yet. Richard couldn’t help but be a little offended by Dwayne’s complete disbelief. He crossed his arms defensively and glared, though Dwayne was too amused to notice. To his surprise, it was Camille who interrupted Dwayne’s laughing fit by punching him hard on the arm and giving him a significant look.

Dwayne turned back to Richard and realised it hadn’t actually been a joke, “Seriously, Chief, you dated Laura Dahlia?”

“YES!” he said, probably a little too loudly.  “For 3 months. I have photographic evidence somewhere if you need to see it!”

“Yes!” Camille and Dwayne replied at the same time, though Richard had the feeling they probably had very different reasons for wanting to see the photographs. Now he thought about it, as much as he liked being proved right he wasn’t sure it would be worth letting Camille see the hair cut he had been sporting at the time…

“You know her real name isn’t actually Dahlia, it’s Essex, she changed it because she thought it was too common sounding,” Richard informed them.

Fidel, it seemed, has been looking up the woman on Wikipedia or some such app, “The Inspector is right, she changed it just after graduating. She picked Dahlia because they are her favourite flowers.”

“Well, I believed you before, but now I know you can’t possibly be making it up. If you didn’t know who Beyoncé was there is only one possible explanation for how you know an actress’ real surname…” And now he _was_ the recipient of the teasing, but he had discovered over recent months he really didn’t mind as much as he used to.

“Though technically she only likes water lily type Dahlias. I once got her some single flower variety and she wouldn’t talk to me for 2 days. God, if you made a mistake like that or you were 5 minutes late or I didn’t call twice a day she would start crying and telling me that I just didn’t _care_ enough. Don’t get me wrong - she was smart and beautiful but way too demanding. I’m not sure how I stuck with it for 3 months.”

“You _DUMPED_ Laura Dahlia?” Dwayne didn’t seem to care about the negative traits Richard had just listed, he clearly thought him insane for having let her go. To be fair, so had many of his peers at the time. “How did you even get her to agree to date you in the first place?”

“Dwayne!” Camille cried, once again being indignant on Richard’s behalf. He really wanted to spend some time contemplating what that might mean, but this probably wasn’t the best place to do so.

“Actually that is probably a fair question,” he conceded. Camille looked like she might argue with him, perhaps treat him to a lecture about having more confidence in himself, but then her curiosity clearly won out. Despite her protests, she was probably pretty amazed he had pulled it off as well. It wasn’t like he had demonstrated a natural ease with women since arriving on the island. With a small sigh, he explained, “I used to punch well above my weight. I figured it was a numbers game, if I spoke to enough pretty women one of them might actually _like_ the socially-awkward-but-kind-of-funny-geek thing I had going on.”

“Well if it worked back then why did you ever stop?” Dwayne asked, incredulous.

Richard immediately tensed, crossing his arms and reverted to examining his teacup again. The _reason_ would be a woman, one who caused him enough pain to put him off ever trying to have a relationship again. He could sense rather than see the sympathetic looks he was receiving from Camille and Fidel and found he hated the idea of their pity. Dwayne seemed to have caught on to the fact he had, inadvertently, asked a rather personal question and was opening his mouth to apologise – but Richard cut him off.

“Well, Dwayne, some of us actually left our wild child phase behind…” He joked, and his team visibly relaxed. Actually, Richard probably wouldn’t refer to his university years as a ‘wild child’ phase, more of a ‘slightly less awkward’ phase. There seemed to be a general consensus to change the topic, which meant he, too, was able to relax…

 

* * *

 

 

From Camille’s prospective, it had certainly been an interesting evening so far. Unlike Doug Anderson, she didn’t think Richard had _never_ had a girlfriend – in fact she rather assumed a woman hurting him must be responsible for his reticence with the opposite sex these days. It was nice to hear there had been a time Richard had been a little more care-free, because that meant she might just be able to get him back into that state. The conversation had moved on now, and she only half listened whilst Dwayne and Fidel debated the merits of the ‘good cop/bad cop’ interview technique. Richard seemed to be observing the pair of them with a mixture of dismay and amusement. Camille had the inklings of a plan, and decided to just dive straight in and give it a go.

She leaned towards him, intending to speak so only he could hear. Dwayne and Fidel were unlikely to overhear them since they were now jokingly arguing over who had gotten the confession out of Tommy Crewe. “You know, Dwayne might be right…”

“I actually thought _you_ were the one who got Tommy Crewe to confess,” Richard told her. That was true, actually, he’d been trying to impress her and said too much. But it wasn’t what Camille was referring too.

“No, I meant about speaking to women!”

“I do talk to women!” he protested. “I am talking to you, aren’t I? Or have I missed something major somewhere?”

“You know that isn’t what I mean,” Camille chided. He opened his mouth and Camille knew exactly what was coming, he was about to make an excuse and go home, all so he could avoid this conversation. She cut him off before he could, “Now, come on, hear me out. I just think you could very well find a woman on this island who quite likes the socially awkward, pedantic, slightly pompous police officer thing you’ve got going on…”

It was a massive hint, one she was sure was Richard proof. Camille had become more confident of his feelings towards her in recent weeks, was sure he would make a move if given some encouragement. He gave her a sidelong glance in response to her comment, before asking hesitantly, “I’d just have to speak to them?”

“Nothing ventured…” she wielded.

He sat back and seemed to consider her idea seriously for a few moments, before declaring, “Perhaps you’re right.” Camille was feeling more than a little pleased that her plan seemed to have worked and smiled brightly at him. A smile that rapidly vanished when he stood up and walked straight across the bar – heading to the table of a rather attractive blonde.

 

* * *

 

 

“Don’t act like you know me, Emma,” he said hurriedly when he reached the table.

She looked up in surprise, realised she did know who was talking to her, and then made a gallant effort to keep her expression neutral. Richard did not predict any Oscars in her future. “Is this some sort of undercover thing?” she asked in a half whisper. “Is that woman you just left a criminal?”

“Sort of,” he said in reply to the first question, then realised he was implying Camille was a felon. “I mean, not really, I mean, I am sort of after a bit of a favour and I think I have just realised how rude I am being. Sorry, um, what brings you to Saint Marie?”

“I’m actually on my honeymoon,” Emma told him, smiling warmly.

“Fantastic! Where is your girlfriend, or I suppose I should say wife now? Or is it partner? Or is there some other term I am unfamiliar with...?” Richard was suddenly overcome with a fear of causing offense, even though he was pretty sure Emma would be relaxed with either of those terms. When he had nervously asked her out years back in the UK, unaware he was so _not_ her type, she had been kind and gentle in her rejection. It meant that when he had to work with her in the future, it was never awkward.

“She’ll be here soon, come on Richard sit down and tell me what this is all about,” she said, gesturing to the seat next to her. “I am really curious now!”

As he sat, he explained, “Well, you see, I’m not very good at reading people and I thought the woman you referred to before might have been, um, well, anyway, I thought I might get a better idea of what she wanted if I came over here and pretended to be talking to you for reasons, you know, other than just saying hello.” He paused and reviewed what he had just said. “I am a complete idiot, aren’t I?”

Emma was wearing a small, patient sort of smile, “Let me just get this straight. You thought the young woman at that table may be interested in you but you weren’t confident. You decided to test her interest by coming over here to pretend to flirt with me, somebody who you know but to her will appear to be a stranger, and use her reaction to gage her attachment to you?”

Richard was very much aware he was blushing profusely. Emma seemed not to need to hear his confirmation, instead she gave a small nod. “Well, I’ll tell you this for nothing, she looks pretty pissed.”

Richard froze, “Narrowed eyes, frown lines between them?”

“Yup. I would say she definitely likes you, but _currently_ hates you.”

Oh boy, he was in trouble. “I really didn’t think this through…”

“Maybe you should stay here for a while,” Emma said kindly. “I’d like you to meet Andrea and maybe between us we can come up with a plan.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Richard had launched himself off to the other side of the bar to apparently talk to a woman, Fidel and Dwayne had both paused to watch his progress with fascination. Camille stared at Richard’s back, willing the woman to reject him quickly and send him scurrying back to her. How could he be so dense? Or was she wrong, did he not have any interest in her at all?

“She’s inviting him to sit down!” Dwayne said disbelievingly. “And she is _hot_. Maybe the Chief could actually teach me something…”

They continued to watch on and off for the next half an hour. Shortly after Richard had sat down to talk to the blonde, an equally gorgeous red head had arrived and joined them. Judging by the way she kept laughing and touching Richard on the arm, it seemed that both of them were quite into him.

Dwayne stared at the table longingly, “Do you think he’ll let me have one?”

“Well he’s hardly going to date both of them, is he?” Fidel said. “He’s not you!”

Dwayne brightened up, realising this was likely to be true, “Which one do you think he wants?”

Fidel rolled his eyes. Camille, thoroughly miserable, commented, “The blonde. She’s the one he went over there to talk to in the first place. Plus Laura Dahlia is blonde, and Megan Talbot was blonde too. He clearly prefers blondes.” Something she was never, ever going to be.

Fidel shot her a sympathetic look and she glared back. He looked away quickly, exchanging a glance with Dwayne. In a ploy that was clearly designed to wind her up further, Dwayne said casually, “Oh, I don’t know, he seems pretty into that redhead.” Something did actually snap inside Camille’s head when he said that, but it wasn’t Dwayne she was planning to take her anger out on.

She stood suddenly, and with enough force that she accidentally pushed the table forwards and into Fidel and Dwayne’s stomachs. “I think I might go introduce myself.” Before the boys could talk her out of it, she stalked off across the bar.

When she reached the table, Richard did seem to visibly blanch. Clearly she was not keeping her emotions of her face. Well, he should be afraid of her! He glanced quickly at the women at the table, one of whom gave him a reassuring smile that Camille wasn’t sure how to interpret.

“Camille!” His voice was at least an octave higher than normal. “Um, can I introduce Emma Richards? She is a forensic entomologist I used to consult with on occasion. And this is her wife Andrea Taylor-Smith. They are here on their honeymoon.”

Camille had to work quickly to hide the shock on her face, in case it was misinterpreted. So he _knew_ the blonde, Emma? And presumably knew there was no way she would be interested in him either? What the hell had he been playing at? “It’s nice to meet you,” she said, suddenly remembering her manners.

“You too,” Emma said sincerely. “Richard has told us a lot about you – and the rest of the team. It’s good you’ve all got a sense of humour.” Emma seemed to stress this last part, and now Camille was certain something else was going on.

“I, uh, told them about how, you know, Dwayne didn’t believe me about Laura. I thought coming over here to talk to Emma and Andrea would, um, wind him up a bit.” He looked anywhere but Camille when he was speaking.

“Oh, is that so?” She asked, arms crossed and trying to catch his eye.

“No.” He admitted quickly, blushing. Both women gave sighs of frustration and looked at him in disbelief. Camille had to try hard not to smile, she actually rather liked his complete inability to lie, but she was still pretty mad at him. “I sort of just wanted to test your reaction…” he continued. Andrea actually buried her face in her hands, clearly mortified on Richard’s behalf, whilst Emma was seeing the funny side of it and trying to suppress a smile.

“Test my reaction?” She seethed. Camille felt she could throttle him, but that it would be rude to do so in front of visitors to the island. Ones who would also probably make rather good witnesses for the prosecution. God, why did he have to test _everything_ – why couldn’t he just follow his instincts for once? “And what would you conclude the results were?”

He took a deep breath, “Well, first off that the experiment was a really, really stupid and, um, well stupid idea in the first place.”

“He mentioned that to us _several_ times,” Andrea piped up, nodding enthusiastically. Emma prodded her to be quiet. Camille appreciated the woman might want to try and defend him a little, but this was Richard’s battle.

“It was a stupid idea _and..?”_ she prompted him.

“And…I should…ask you out to dinner?”

“You are seriously asking me out for dinner after what you just admitted?” Camille spat angrily. The problem was, she instantly realised that she really wanted to say yes but pride meant she had to come up with a way of doing it without losing face.

“I’m guessing that was also a stupid idea,” he guessed – and damn it if he didn’t actually look crestfallen. Andrea must have been something of a romantic, because she shot Camille a pleading look, but it was unnecessary. She had found her solution, “You know what, you can buy me dinner! And it is going to be somewhere nice and expensive – it can serve as your apology. And I want cocktails beforehand, and desert afterwards – quite possibly the most ridiculously large desert they have on the menu. AND FURTHERMORE,” she had pulled out a finger and was jabbing him in the chest now. “Do _not_ expect anything to happen. Mood I am in you’ll be lucky if I let you kiss me on the cheek!”

Richard, wide-eyed, just nodded meekly. She took a calming breath and turned to Andrea and Emma, “Now, if you’ll excuse me ladies, I have to go intercept my friend Dwayne before he reaches us and makes a fool of himself. I hope you enjoy your stay on Saint Marie.”

 

* * *

 

 

Andrea and Emma shared a look and silently agreed to give Richard a few moments to recover before they would try to speak to him again. Camille was a feisty thing, that was for certain. She was currently dragging a despondent looking police officer, who had a few moments beforehand been heading intently towards them, back to the table from where he had originated.

“Are you okay, Richard?” Emma tried, using what she hoped was a soothing sort of tone.

“I’m sort of…elated…and terrified…all at the same time,” he said slowly. “It’s very strange.”

Andrea smiled, “Don’t worry, I don’t think she is nearly as angry as she is acting.”

“Oh yes,” Emma agreed. “She couldn’t accept outright, it wouldn’t have been any good for her pride. Trust us, women know these things Richard.”

Andrea leaned forward, “You know what else I know?”

He looked a little nervous, “Uh, no, what?”

“She is _so_ going to let you kiss her.”


End file.
